Chasing the pavement.

Age: 23
Male, Northern California

3/27/2011 12:24pm

It's a terrible terrible thing; going against your "good" nature. My mother taught me right from wrong, my father taught me my work ethic.

I taught myself truth. Beyond what I was taught in Sunday school.

I remember when I got my first job. I had to walk the overpass just above the major highway that passed through the valley my adolescence had me chained to. I would mostly walk with my head down. Passing all the imperfections in the pavement, all of the roly polys that were stuck legs-in-the-air, and all of the plastic bags dancing above the traffic below.

I remember asking myself, why? What does it all mean? Why is that crack there? Is it meant for me to stumble?

I also remember agreeing that everything had an innate purpose. Of course my eyes were blinded by the Jesus Camp brain washing that had taken place for the worse half of eighteen years, so I always gave God partial credit... for that.

My point being I quickly distinguished the difference between "right" and "wrong," being completely removed from "good" and "evil." This, I can truly thank my parents for.

But now... now I have this ex-lover.

I can feel myself playing the game again. Getting in with his friends, going to the gym to alpha-male-it up, saying small things to spite him when in the company of others.

Being in his presence is truly unavoidable. He's currently a student choreographer alongside me in our production course. Thank goodness he isn't in any of my dances or I might commit social suicide.

But I want him to feel awful for leaving me, even though I knew it was going to end the very minute it began. I think to myself [insert "This is normal"]. I chose rather to say that I am selfish by nature.

I think we all are. Selfish.

Even though we have a desire to seek perfection, which is at times an obsession of mine, we can never reach the imaginary bubbles of the ideal we float above our heads. My last bubble was what I called the "five-year plan," which was to graduate and be married in five years. This was the expectation I had fabricated when I turned 21. Constantly reaching for approval from others.Yearning desperately for the morning that I would wake up and suddenly have everything. I'm 23 now and that bubble has burst. I'm not closer to my goals, but I have lived a much happier life since I realized how unrealistic those expectations had become.

I have also learned a few golden nuggets since then. There's nothing wrong with porn. It's wonderful. You can feel however you want about it, but I think it's one of the only thing that keeps people sane in times such-as-these. Something to think about.

Well I will continue to go with my good-natured, porn-loving, selfish self to claim a stake in this world. If I happen to stumble upon the secret to perfection along the way I will gladly share it with you. Until then, I can only suggest that you love yourself for who you are today and embrace the imperfections as the only thing making you unique and beautiful in this fucked up world.

Yours truly,
Anonymous Self Exposure

AnonymousSelfExposure@yahoo.com for questions or topic suggestions.